JET BLUE CEASES OPERATIONS IN MID-FLIGHT

BANKRUPTCY LEAVES PASSENGERS STRANDED IN SEATS; PARACHUTES DISTRIBUTED FOR 'SAFE DEPARTURE'

CRUMBLING TRUMP REAL ESTATE EMPIRE PROPPED UP BY SELL-OUT ADVERTISING

NEW TRUMP ANTI-PERSPIRANT TO BE SOLD ALONGSIDE BOXES OF 'TRUMPHAIR FOR MEN' COMBOVER CURE

U.N. SENDING GRIEF COUNSELORS AND RESCUERS TO OFFICIAL WHO MADE 'STINGY' REMARK

SECRETARY GENERAL ANNAN: 'THIS TRAGEDY, THIS HORRIBLE CATASTROPHE IS JUST DEVASTATING TO US... WE ARE JUST GRIEF STRICKEN AND MIRED IN SADNESS OVER AMERICA'S REACTION TO OUR OPINION OF THEM'

DONALD RUMSFELD DENIES PILOTING 9-11 KAMIKAZE PLANE

CBS: ANTI-ADMINISTRATION BLOGGERS MAKE 'INTERESTING CLAIM' THAT RUMSFELD, BUSH, AND RUSH LIMBAUGH PERSONALLY CARRIED OUT 9-11 ATTACKS

2004 IN REVIEW: SEN. EDWARDS WINS BIG IN 'BIGGEST LOSERS' CATEGORY

DECISION TO BOW OUT OF SENATE RACE TO JOIN LOSING PRESIDENTIAL TICKET MADE EDWARDS FRONTRUNNER FOR CATEGORY; HAIR VIDEO SECURED WIN

PARENTS BRACE FOR KIDS' POST-CHRISTMAS DEPRESSION

YOUNG HYPER-CONSUMERS WADE THROUGH RUBBLE OF GIFT WRAPPINGS, DESPONDENT OVER ANTI-CLIMACTIC END TO AVALANCHE OF PRESENTS

CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY CASTS SHADOW OF MERRY JOY ACROSS WORLD

MERRY CHRISTMAS... to ALL of you. - Prevent Truth Decay

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT LEAKING INTO 'THE HOLIDAYS'

MACY'S SOFTENS ON HOLIDAY GREETINGS RULE, EMPLOYEES CAN WISH SHOPPERS 'HAPPY CHANUKWANZAAMAS'; SALVATION ARMY VOLUNTEERS ONCE AGAIN ALLOWED TO SHOP IN TARGET STORES

KOFI ANNAN PLEADS IGNORANCE IN SON'S OIL-FOR-FOOD INVOLVEMENT

U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL SAYS 'I WASN'T AWARE THAT MY SON WAS DISCUSSING THIS WITH ME ON A REGULAR BASIS'

MACHINE GUNNER WEARING SKI MASK MISTAKEN FOR ENEMY BY U.S. MARINE

INNOCENT GUNNER WAS FIRING GUN 'IN A CELEBRATORY MANNER' AT FUNERAL FOR TERRORIST FRIEND MISTAKENLY KILLED IN SUICIDE ATTACK BY TERRORIST COUSIN

FEDERALIZATION OF NATIVITY SCENES PROPOSED

'MORE TOLERANT HOLIDAY-TIME LAWN ORNAMENTS' WOULD INCLUDE MANGER SCENE SET IN OCCUPIED TERRITORY OF BETHLEHEM, BIRTHPLACE OF BABY SANTA

STATE DEPARTMENT REMOVES CHICAGO FROM 'DO NOT TRAVEL' LIST

SAYS CITY IS 'BEAUTIFUL THIS TIME OF YEAR, AND MUCH SAFER THAN LAST YEAR - EXCEPT FOR ALL THE KILLINGS'

1959 CORVAIR INTRODUCED TO CUBA

CUBAN DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION APPLAUDS 'GREAT ADVANCES IN MOTOR CAR TECHNOLOGY' ON UTOPIAN COMMUNIST ISLAND

RUPERT MURDOCH BUYS $44 MILLION, 2BR/1.5BA 1500 SQ FT APARTMENT IN NYC

'BARGAIN BASEMENT PRICE' FOR PAD INCLUDES PANORAMIC VISTAS OF CHOCOLATE-COLORED EAST RIVER AND NEW MEDICINE CABINET IN HALF-BATH

MARK GERAGOS LAMENTS PASSING UP SADDAM GIG

GERAGOS SAYS PICKING DEFENSE OF HUSSEIN OVER SCOTT PETERSON WOULD 'MAKE PEOPLE HATE ME LESS'

HOWARD DEAN: TIMING OF BIN LADEN TAPE 'INTERESTINGLY QUESTIONABLE'

DEAN CLAIMS TAPE RELEASE MAY HAVE BEEN TIMED TO DERAIL HIS CAMPAIGN FOR DNC CHAIRMANSHIP

CHRISTMAS DISPLAY AT U.S. DIPLOMATIC MISSION IN HAVANA PROMPTS SECOND MAYDAY PARADE

CASTRO ORDERS NEW DISPLAY OF MILITARY 'MIGHT' TO COUNTER FESTIVE PRO-AMERICAN HOLIDAY SPIRIT LEAKING OUT OF U.S. MISSION

U.S. TIVO'S NEW BIN LADEN BROADCAST

COUNTRY WILL WATCH BIN LADEN PERFORMANCE ONCE 'DUST OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON SETTLES'

BILL CLINTON: 'I DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH KERIK'S WOMEN'

FORMER PREZ: "I KNOW MY CLOSE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH JUDITH REGAN IS SUSPICIOUS AS WELL, BUT THEN AGAIN, WHAT DOES 'IS' MEAN?"

JUDITH REGAN FIRES SELF FROM PUBLISHING EMPIRE OVER AFFAIR WITH KERIK

KERIK FACES FIRESTORM AFTER ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT NANNY REVEALED ILLEGAL STOCK SALES, SUSPICIOUS AFFAIRS, AND EXTRAMARITAL MOB TIES

JURY SYMPATHIZES WITH SCOTT PETERSON, LETS HIM OFF WITH DEATH PENALTY

PETERSON FAMILY RELIEVED, SAY VISIONS OF SCOTT GETTING WHAT HE DESERVES AT THE HANDS OF OTHER INMATES IS 'MORE THAN THEY CAN BEAR'

SENTENCING PHASE IN PETERSON TRIAL REVEALS KIND, GENTLE KILLER

PETERSON DEFENSE: 'PLEASE DON'T FOCUS SO MUCH ON THE BRUTAL MURDERING AND WHAT NOT... FOCUS ON HIS SOFT-SPOKEN, FRIENDLY, GOOD GOLFER SIDE'

DNC RESPONDS TO MOVEON.ORG CLAIM OF OWNERSHIP

DNC SPOKESMAN: 'IT SUCKS, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, IT'S GREAT... THEY OWN US UNFORTUNATELY, AND IT'S A GOOD THING BECAUSE WE NEED THEM'

FEARING FOR HIS SAFETY, SCOTT PETERSON HOPES FOR DEATH PENALTY

PETERSON DEFENSE SAYS DEFENDANT IS 'MORE LIKELY TO SURVIVE AND BE MUCH HAPPIER' IF GIVEN DEATH SENTENCE

'PARENTS' DISCIPLINE CHILDREN BY EXILING THEM TO COMFORTABLE HOUSE FULL OF FUN

SPOILED BRATS LIVE IN BACKYARD TENT, HAVE 'PARENTING SKILLS' BROADCAST TO NEIGHBORS AND 150 MILLION NEWS VIEWERS

SENATE TO TAKE A STAB AT APPROVING SPY AGENCY OVERHAUL

CONTROVERSIAL BILL PROVISION ALLOWS INTELLIGENCE DIRECTOR TO 'ACT ON TERROR WARNINGS'

OHIO DECLARES BUSH VICTORY; JESSE JACKSON JOBLESS AGAIN

'REVEREND' JACKSON TO COMB CLASSIFIEDS FOR RACE BAITING AND ELECTION THEFTING EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES; SENDS RESUME TO HILLARY'S 'MORAL VALUES 2008' EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

OHIO DECLARES BUSH VICTORY; JESSE JACKSON JOBLESS AGAIN

'REVEREND' JACKSON TO COMB CLASSIFIEDS FOR RACE BAITING AND ELECTION THEFTING EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES; SENDS RESUME TO HILLARY'S 'MORAL VALUES 2008' EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

BIN LADEN CAVE RUNNING OUT OF CANNED HUMUS, TOILET PAPER

TERRORIST MASTERMIND REPORTED TO BE 'LONGING FOR THE COMFORTS OF SADDAM'S SPIDER HOLE'

STARBUCKS ADDS 'SNOBI' TO DRINK SIZES

NEW SIZE WILL BE LARGER THAN SMALL 'TALL' BUT SMALLER THAN MEDIUM 'GRANDE'

KERRY VOWS TO MOVE FORWARD FROM ELECTION LOSS, PURSUE OHIO RECOUNT

SEN. KERRY DECLARES THAT BUSH'S WIN IN OHIO WAS 'CLOSER THAN WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT, THEREFORE I WILL ASSUME I WON THAT STATE'

BARRY BONDS: 'I WAS WONDERING WHY THE FRUIT JUICE I WAS INJECTING WAS MAKING ME UNBELIEVABLY HUGE'

BASEBALL STAR CLAIMS TO 'NOT HAVE NOTICED MY INCREDIBLE 180 POUND GAIN OF SOLID MUSCLE MASS'; BONDS SAYS THAT STABBING SELF IN HIND SIDE WITH SYRINGE WAS 'A MUCH EASIER WAY TO DRINK WHAT I THOUGHT WAS FRUIT JUICE'

HILLARY SCREECHES ACROSS AISLE, INVITES NERDY DEMOCRAT INTO HER SENATE CLIQUE

UNPOPULAR CONGRESSWOMAN INVITED TO SIT AT 'COOL TABLE' IN SENATE DINING ROOM

TERESA HEINZ DROPS 'KERRY' SURNAME, BECOMES REPUBLICAN AGAIN

CITES 'END OF THE OHIO RECOUNT AND MY CURRENT HUSBAND'S ATTEMPT TO CREATE SOME KIND OF PERCEPTION THAT HE MAY HAVE WON'

DEMOCRATS ATTACK BERNARD KERIK FOR 'STUFF THAT HE'S PROBABLY DONE'

FORMER NYC POLICE COMMISSIONER UNDER FIRE BY DEMS FOR CONTROVERSIAL, BUT YET UNDISCOVERED ITEMS IN HIS PAST; DEMS ALSO FURIOUS ABOUT 'THINGS WE'RE SURE BERNARD HAS SAID'

DENNIS KUCINICH CONCEDES 2004 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION TO BUSH

REMAINING SUPPORTER URGED TO REMOVE FADING YARD SIGNS; AMPLE SUPPLY OF LEFT-OVER BUMPER STICKERS TO BE SOLD ON eBAY IN ATTEMPT TO 'BREAK EVEN'

HILLARY CLARIFIES 2008 INTENTIONS: 'I WON'T RUN UNLESS I DO'

SEN. RODHAM SAYS '08 PRESIDENTIAL BID IS 'TEMPTING, BUT CERTAINLY NOT AN OPTION I'M NOT GOING TO POSSIBLY TAKE'