JACKSON DEFENSE: PICS OF NUDE BOYS 'IRRELEVANT'

ATTORNEY: 'MICHAEL IS A VIGILANTE. HE WAS RESEARCHING CHILD PORN PEDDLERS WITH INTENTION TO PURSUE THEM AND THEIR CHILDREN... I MEAN JUST THEM.'

CONSUMER CONFIDENCE IN REAL ESTATE SCAMS INCREASES

INVESTMENTS IN 'SURE BETS' ON THE RISE; EXPERTS SAY HOUSING BUBBLE IS 'STRONGER THAN EVER'

UFO SIGHTING PROMPTS FRENZY

HORRIFIED WITNESSES FLOOD 911 LINE WITH FEARS OF METEOR SHOWER, LIGHT-REFLECTING CLOUDS

NASA TIGHTENS SAFETY STANDARDS

IMPLEMENTS HELMET REQUIREMENT FOR SHUTTLE ASTRONAUTS 'IN CASE OF A FIERY CRASH'

FIFTH THIRD BANK AND RUTH'S CHRIS STEAKHOUSE TO MERGE

'RUTH'S FIFTH CHRIS THIRD BANKHOUSE' WILL OFFER LOANS FOR OVERPRICED STEAKS

CHURCH HAS NEW LEADER

CROWD ON SIDEWALK HYSTERICAL AS WHITE SMOKE SIGNALS SELECTION OF NEW PASTOR FOR YELLOW CREEK BAPTIST CHURCH IN RIVERBEND, INDIANA

BREAKING: CHURCH HAS NEW LEADER

CROWD ON SIDEWALK HYSTERICAL AS WHITE SMOKE SIGNALS SELECTION OF NEW PASTOR FOR YELLOW CREEK BAPTIST CHURCH IN RIVERBEND, INDIANA

POPE VOTE PROCEDURE SIMPLIFIED

NEWER, SIMPLER PROCESS INVOLVES RATIFICATION OF NEW PONTIFF BY QUASI-SIMPLE MAJORITY OF CARDINALS WITH NO FEWER THAN 2/3 OF THE PAPAL CONCLAVE AND 1/4 OF ARCHBISHOP DELEGATES CASTING 1 LESS THAN HALF OF EACH DIOCESE'S MEDIAN RANGE OF PRELATED APOSTOLIC PALACE (POST-EUCHARIST, BASILICA-TALLIED) BALLOTS

WHACKO 'MICHAEL JACKSON' JACKO LOOKS TO DEMS FOR STATEGERY

ASKS DEFENSE ATTORNEY TO FILIBUSTER THE PROSECUTION'S CASE

MICHAEL JACKSON ACCUSER DISCLOSES ESTATE-FOR-BOY OFFER

SAYS JACKO'S OFFER TO TRADE NEVERLAND PROPERTY IN EXCHANGE FOR SON SEEMED 'INNOCENT ENOUGH'

BARNEY FRANK PUTS END TO PREGNANCY RUMORS

FRANK: 'ONCE AND FOR ALL, I'M NOT PREGNANT'

BRITNEY SPEARS TEMPORARY MARRIAGE ROCKED BY PREGNANCY

KEVIN FEDERLINE, ESTRANGED NEWLYWED 'HUSBAND', CLAIMS INVOLVEMENT

DEMOCRATIC INTELLIGENCIA CLAIMS VOTE FRAUD BY GOP

CHARGE: REPUBLICANS 'TRICKED US INTO VOTING ON WRONG DAY'

INTERNET ROLLING SLOWLY, DROPPING FOR SOME

TIGER WOODS CHIP SHOT REPLAYS BLAMED

BUSH: CLINTON WILL HAVE 'MIXED LEGACY'

LEGACY WILL BE MIXED WITH MONICA LEWINSKY, WHITEWATER, MARC RICH, AND 'A BUNCH OF OTHER SCANDALS', SAYS PRESIDENT

SEN. KERRY DECIDES TO 'AL GORE' HIS 2004 ELECTION LOSS

SUGGESTS BUSH STOLE ELECTION; CITES VOTER FRAUD, INTIMIDATION, DISENFRANCHISEMENT, AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

MILLIONS ATTEND THRONG IN VATICAN CITY

RUMORS SWIRLING THROUGH CROWD THAT POPE DIED, WAS BURIED NEARBY

POPE 'FINE' AFTER VISIT FROM U.S. SENATE DELEGATION

SEN. TED KENNEDY'S 'INTOXICATING BREATH' WAKES POPE, MOURNING AND FUNERAL CANCELED

VATICAN CITY, HOLLYWOOD VIE FOR ATTENTION OF MASSES

POPE FUNERAL, BRITNEY SPEARS DIVORCE ACCIDENTALLY SCHEDULED FOR SAME DAY

CATHOLICS: 'NO, HE'S NOT GOD'

PROTESTANT MISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN BLAMED FOR POPE DIVINITY THEORY

FIRST ROUND OF HOPEFUL POPE SUCCESSORS KICKED OFF ISLAND

SURVIVAL KNOW-HOW, CATHOLIC ABILITIES LACKING, SAYS VATICAN SPOKESPERSON

HOPEFUL SUCCESSORS TO POPE JOHN PAUL II PACK ST. PETER'S SQUARE

PTD: GOD BLESS THE NEW POPE, AND MAY GOD GIVE REST TO POPE JOHN PAUL II