Saturday

GOP ANXIOUS TO PUT OBAMA PRESIDENCY TO PASTURE

WILL BEGIN HOSTING DEBATES BETWEEN SARAH PALIN, BOBBY JINDAL 'IN WEEKS'

Tuesday

CONTROVERSIAL OBAMA SPEECH EXCERPT LEAKED

KENYAN-BORN U.S. PRESIDENT EXPECTED TO SAY 'MY FELLOW AMERICANS,'

Monday

ECONOMY CONTINUES TO INFURIATE

NERVOUS INVESTORS MOVING MONEY OUT OF GOLD, INTO PRECIOUS MACH III RAZORS

Tuesday

OBAMA SIGNS PORK BILL

WALL STREET CELEBRATES BY SHEDDING MOST OF DOW'S VALUE

Thursday

WHITE HOUSE UNDER PRESSURE TO BRING BACK HOPE MISSING SINCE BUSH LEFT

STRESSED-OUT OBAMA DENIED REQUEST TO 'EXIT PRESIDENCY, RETURN TO CAMPAIGNING'

Monday

OBAMA HOLDS TOWNHALL MEETING

FRAZZLED OBAMA MISTAKENLY COMPARES STIMULUS PACKAGE TO JONESTOWN KOOLAID

Saturday

SENATE TO VOTE SOON ON OBAMA'S RECOVERY PACKAGE

DEMOCRATS CALL FOR ADDITIONAL MAINTENANCE TO BILL, CITE NEED FOR MORE STIMULATING PORK

Tuesday

DASCHLE OUT

TAX CHEAT WITHDRAWS HHS SECRETARY BID, ORDERS STOP PAYMENT ON IRS CHECK

Monday

HILARIOUS BUD LIGHT COMMERCIAL REPORTEDLY FOLLOWED BY STEELERS WIN

PITTSBURGH FANS OVERTURN POLICE CARS, BURN CITY DOWN IN CELEBRATION OF SUPERBOWL WIN