HILLARY CLINTON STATE FUNERAL CANCELED

PODIUM 'DEATH' WAS ONLY ILLNESS; 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN 'BACK ON TRACK'

IRAQI VOTERS GIVE DEMOCRATS, EUROPEANS THE PURPLE FINGER

CHIRAC CALLS BUSH WITH CONCESSION IN WAR AGAINST IRAQI FREEDOM; SENATE DEMOCRAT PASSES OUT AT PODIUM

DEMOCRATS BACK ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS OVER HISTORIC IRAQI ELECTION SUCCESS

AMERICANS URGED TO 'SHOW UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASSION' TO GRIEVING BELEAGUERED DEMOCRATS

IRAQI VOTERS SPANK AMERICAN MEDIA WITH TURNOUT

SUCCESS OF IRAQ ELECTION REFLECTED IN LONG FACES OF U.S. NEWSDESK ELITES

MARY JO KOPECHNE MUM ON PENDING IRAQ ELECTION

FAMILY: 'MARY JO IS NOT ABLE TO MAKE COMMENT AT THIS TIME... SHE IS STILL SUFFERING FROM HER RELATIONSHIP WITH SEN. KENNEDY'

CHELSEA CLINTON 'WON'T RULE OUT' WHITE HOUSE RUN IN 2028

CHELSEA: 'WITH MEMORIES OF MY FATHER AND POSSIBLY MY MOTHER'S ADMINISTRATIONS WANING, IT MIGHT BE PERFECT TIMING FOR ME'

PETER JENNINGS REQUESTS UP-ARMORED FLAK JACKET

ABC NEWSMAN SAYS 'AMERICAN SOLDIERS SEEM TO BE FIRING IN MY DIRECTION'

SEN. BYRD CRITICIZES CONDI RICE FOR HER 'RACIST RESPONSES SEN. BOXER'

FORMER GRAND KKK KLANSMONGER SAYS RICE SHOULD BE 'MORE TOLERANT OF THE WHITE SENATORS ATTACKING HER'

FLORIDA ON FREEZE ALERT AS TEMPS PLUMMET TO 50 DEGREES

GOVERNMENT OFFICES, SCHOOLS CLOSED; CHILDREN BUNDLE UP IN WETSUITS TO BRAVE COOL WATER TEMPS AT BEACH

PHOTOS OF 'HORRIBLE LOOKING' BILL CLINTON GIVES RISE TO SPECULATION

RUMORS SWIRL OVER PHOTOS OF HAGGARD, SUNKEN-FACED FORMER PREZ; ILLNESS ALSO A POSSIBILITY

AL GORE GLOBAL WARMING SPEECH CANCELLED IN NYC

RECORD-BREAKING BLIZZARD CONDITIONS AND SUBZERO TEMPERATURES TABLE FORMER VEEP'S SPEECH ABOUT GLOBAL HEAT

SEN. KERRY BLAMES INAUGURAL SCOWL ON ANTI-DEPRESSANT MEDICATION

SAYS ICY FOLDING CHAIR IN NOSEBLEED SECTION EXACERBATED 'CRAPPY MOOD'

BUSH REFORMS SOCIAL SECURITY BEFORE BREAKFAST

PRESIDENT BUSH OFF TO A 'QUICK START' IN SECOND TERM; DEMOCRACY TO BE ESTABLISHED IN IRAN THIS AFTERNOON

KERRY SEAT FOR INAUGURATION NOT AS CLOSE AS HE'D HOPED

SEN. KERRY SETTLES FOR SNOW-COVERED FOLDING CHAIR AT INAUGURATION, SITTING 'MANY ROWS' BEHIND WHERE THOUGHT HE'D BE STANDING

BUSH INAUGURAL PRAYER TO INCLUDE PETITION FOR ACLU'S SALVATION

BUSH TO ASK THE "ONE AND ONLY TRUE GOD OF CHRISTENDOM" TO SAVE BACKSLIDDEN ACLU FROM SLIDING FURTHER INTO ANTI-AMERICANISM

BUSH PROPOSES DROPPING RETIREMENT AGE TO 23

PREZ: EARLIER SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS WILL ENABLE YOUNG TAXPAYERS TO 'CLIMB OUT OF THE COLLAPSING SOCIAL SECURITY SINKHOLE'

ABBAS ORDERS PLO TO CRACK DOWN ON SLOW RESPONSE TO MILITANT OPPORTUNITIES

NEW PALESTINIAN AUTHORITY PRESIDENT SAYS TERROR ATTACKS ON ISRAEL MUST CEASE PROGRESSING 'AT A HESITANT PACE'

BUSH TWINS ATTEND COSTUME PARTY AS SS OFFICERS

MEDIA, LIBERALS, AND EUROPE: 'OH, IT'S NO BIG DEAL...THEY JUST MADE A SLIGHT ERROR IN JUDGEMENT'

BRITISH POLL: PRINCE HARRY WAS 'JUST JOKING' ABOUT GENOCIDE OF THE JEWS

PRINCE PLANS TO WEAR BIN LADEN COSTUME AT UPCOMING 'PRIDE OF THE BRITISH' THEME PARTY

DNC CHAIRMAN SELECTION PROCESS NEARS HORRIFYING CONCLUSION

DEMOCRATS WITH 'SIXTH SENSE' MOVE TO HIGHER GROUND

JIMMY CARTER MONITORS ELECTION OF NEW PALESTINIAN TERROR CHIEF

CARTER: 'I WAS HERE IN THE OCCUPIED TERRITORIES TO SEE THAT MAHMOUD ABBAS IS ELECTED, BY THE PEOPLE, IN A FAIR DEMOCRATIC-TYPE ELECTION'

DNC CHAIRMAN SELECTION PROCESS NEARS HORRIFYING CONCLUSION

DEMOCRATS WITH 'SIXTH SENSE' MOVE TO HIGHER GROUND

KERRY OFFERS TOOL SHED BEHIND MANSION TO HOMELESS TSUNAMI VICTIMS

SAYS SHED IS AVAILABLE TO ANY VICTIMS WHO WANT TO 'HOP IN THEIR GULFSTREAM JETS TO COME LIVE IN IT'

KERRY ELECTION LOSS CERTIFIED

MOURNERS IN FRONT OF KERRY MANSION IN BEACON HILL PLEDGE TO STAGE 'PEACEFUL, BUT VIOLENT ELECTION PROTEST' AT BUSH INAUGURATION

MICHAEL MOORE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION THREATENS FAST FOOD INDUSTRY

McDONALDS, TACO BELL FEAR HEFTY LOSS OF REVENUE; ASK FILM MAKER TO CONTAIN HIS WEIGHT LOSS TO 'ONLY SEVERAL HUNDRED POUNDS'

AL-ZARQAWI CONTACTS DRUDGE TO CORRECT HEADLINE

SAYS REPORTS OF HIS CAPTURE ARE 'WRONG FOR NOW'; URGES DRUDGE TO RELY ON CONJECTURE, NOT LESS RELIABLE ARAB NEWS FOR HEADLINES

FALSE ALARM: LASER GUY WAS 'JUST PLAYING'

FBI: SUSPECT IN COCKPIT LASERING CASE WAS 'JUST PLAYING' WITH NEW LASER TOY IN PARSIPPANY, WAYNE, NASHVILLE, COLORADO SPRINGS, CLEVELAND, WASHINGTON, MEDFORD, AND HOUSTON

KWEISI MFUME'S FIRST BABY OF 2005 BORN

MOTHER IS 'OVERJOYED' TO BEAR ANOTHER ILLEGITIMATE CHILD FOR MR. MFUME AND HOPES TO 'RUN INTO HIM AGAIN SOME DAY'

SERIOUS GYM NUTS MAKE WAY FOR NEW YEAR'S CROWD

COMMITTED TO RADICAL LIFE-CHANGING HEALTH AND DIET GOALS, NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONARIES EXPECTED TO FLOOD NATION'S GYMS 'FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS'