JOHN McCAIN ANNOUNCES WHITE HOUSE RUN

SEN. McCAIN THROWS HAT INTO RING ON LATE SHOW, DECRIES GIULIANI'S POLL ADVANTAGE AS 'POLITICS OF MY PERSONAL DESTRUCTION'

MITT ROMNEY DEFENDS POLYGAMIST PAST

PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL ROMNEY: 'SO MY GRANDFATHER'S MILK MAN HAD LIKE A HUNDRED WIVES... SO WHAT?'

VIOLENCE BREAKS OUT IN WAKE OF JAMES CAMERON'S DEAD JESUS CLAIM

MILITANT CHRISTIAN EXTREMISTS SET FIRE TO VHS TAPE OF 'TITANIC', OSCAR-WINNING DIRECTOR ATTACKED WITH 'VIOLENT QUESTIONS' ABOUT AUTHENTICITY OF FINDINGS

GORE FACES INCONVENIENT PERSONAL POWER USAGE TRUTH

FORMER LOSING PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ENERGY CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS 20X AVERAGE; GORE BLAMES EXCESS POWER NEEDS ON 'THOSE PERSONALITY MACHINES IN THE BASEMENT THAT POWERED MY APPEARANCE AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS'

STARS SHINE AT ACADEMY AWARDS

FABULOUSLY BRILLIANT BEAUTIES AND UBER-INTELLECTUAL ALPHA MALES OF SOCIETY'S UPPER CRUST DAZZLE AMERICA FROM GLITTERY DIAMOND-COVERED STAGE; ATTENDEES RECEIVED AWARDS FOR PRETENDING TO BE OTHER PEOPLE

VILSACK DROPS OUT OF RACE

FORMER GOVERNOR 'CAN'T COMPETE WITH THE LEVEL OF VITRIOL BEING DISPLAYED IN THE CLINTON-OBAMA SMACKDOWN'

VILSACK DROPS OUT OF RACE

FORMER GOVERNOR 'CAN'T COMPETE WITH THE LEVEL OF VITRIOL BEING DISPLAYED IN THE CLINTON-OBAMA SMACKDOWN'

HILLARY CLINTON APOLOGIZES FOR WAR VOTE

SEN. CLINTON: 'MY VOTE TO AUTHORIZE THE EXECUTION OF CALCULATED AND CAREFUL
ACTION IN IRAQ WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO AT THE TIME. AND FOR THOSE THAT
BELIEVE I MAY HAVE MISCALCULATED, FOR THEM, I APOLOGIZE.'

MITT ROMNEY OFFERS ANSWER ON RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST

FORMER MASS. GOVERNOR: 'FAITH IS IMPORTANT AND I BELIEVE, AS MY DEEP PERSONAL CONVICTION IN THAT AREA, THAT THIS COUNTRY SHOULD PROBABLY BE LEAD BY SOMEONE THAT HAS SOME SORT OF FAITH'

BRITNEY SPEARS GOES BALD, PLANS PRISON MARRIAGE TO CHARLES MANSON

INDUSTRY INSIDERS CALL MOVE 'A COUPLE STEPS UP FROM THE KEVIN FEDERLINE SITUATION'

HOUSE DEMS ON A ROLL AFTER TROOP SURGE VOTE VICTORY

EMBOLDENED DEMS PROPOSE 'MARK OF THE BEAST' NATIONAL ID BILL

BUSH: INSURGENTS ARE TRYING TO UNDERMINE WAR

PRESIDENT: 'EVER SINCE THEY GAINED CONTROL OF BOTH HOUSES OF CONGRESS, THEY ARE DOING THEIR BEST TO TURN PUBLIC OPINION AGAINST OUR EFFORTS IN IRAQ'

CLINTONS EMBRACE ON VALENTINE'S DAY

SEN. CLINTON'S PUBLIC RELATIONS DEPARTMENT FAXES VALENTINE'S GREETING TO FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON'S OFFICE

SEN. CLINTON CHARMS EARLY PRIMARY STATES

HILLARY TO IOWANS: 'I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A HUGE FAN OF YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM, IF YOU HAVE ONE'

NORTH KOREA HINTS AT DISARMAMENT

TOTALITARIAN STATE AGREES TO 'MOVE AWAY FROM PRESIDENT CARTER'S DEAL, AND TOWARDS TRUE PEACE'

IRAN: NUKES ARE NO THREAT TO ISRAEL

TOP IRANIAN NEGOTIATOR DISMISSES NUCLEAR WEAPONRY AS 'THE MEANS BY WHICH WE WILL RENDER THE ZIONIST ENTITY NONEXISTENT AND THE LAND RADIOACTIVE'

'FIRED UP' OBAMA THROWS HAT INTO '08 WHITE HOUSE RACE

OBAMA ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY FROM FLORIDA'S SEMINOLE HARD ROCK HOTEL AND CASINO 'FOR MAXIMUM MEDIA COVERAGE'

BARAK OBAMA SHOCKS NATION WITH PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY ANNOUCEMENT

SEN. CLINTON WELCOMES 'THIS CLEAN BLACK MAN' TO 2008 WHITE HOUSE RACE

CONFUSION SURROUNDS DEATH OF ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S INHERITANCE

SMITH'S LEGAL COUNSEL HOWARD K. STERN'S ATTORNEY'S LAWYER CLAIMS TO HAVE FATHERED ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S HEIR, 'WHOEVER THAT MAY BE'

ANNA NICOLE SMITH DEAD AT 39

CONTROVERSIAL BEAUTY JOINS GREAT AMERICAN TRAGEDIES SUCH AS JOHN BELUSHI, RIVER PHOENIX, KURT COBAIN

MEMO LEAKED FROM CLINTON CAMPAIGN OUTLINES HILLARY'S STRENGTHS

LIST INCLUDES 'PRIOR EXPERIENCE AS U.S. PRESIDENT', 'HAWKISH OPPOSITION TO WAR', AND 'AS FEMALE, PROPHETIC IMPOSSIBILITY OF BEING THE ANTI-CHRIST'

JONATHAN EDWARDS CLARIFIES POSITION ON IRANIAN NUKES

SEN. EDWARDS: 'I THINK IRAN MUST NOT HAVE A NUCLEAR BOMB UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE I CAN CONCEIVE OF THEM HAVING THIS CAPABILITY WOULD BE IRRESPONSIBLE FOR ME TO COMMENT ON THAT AT THIS POINT'

CRAZY ASTRONAUT DETAINED IN LOVE TRIANGLE KIDNAP PLOT

BOBBY BROWN, RYAN O'NEAL, AND HOWARD K. STERN ASK COURT FOR LENIENCY IN SENTENCING, EXPRESS INTEREST IN 'A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS WONDERFUL WOMAN'

DEBATE ON NON-BINDING SENATE RESOLUTION BEGINS

SEN. FEINGOLD ARGUES THAT IRAQ RESOLUTION 'DOESN'T DO ENOUGH TO SECURE OUR LOSS THERE'

GIULIANI ANNOUNCES PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY

FORMER NYC MAYOR STRESSES EXPERIENCE WITH ORANIZED CRIME HAS PREPARED HIM FOR 'DEALING WITH DEMOCRATS'

COLTS WIN SUPERBOWL

'CLEAN BLACK' COACH DUNGY CREDITS INTELLIGENT DESIGNER, DRAWS IRE OF LIBERALS

BEARS ASK FOR REMATCH

CHICAGO NFL TEAM 'CONFRONTS REALITY' AS GAMETIME NEARS; KICKOFF AT 6:30 EST

SEN. BIDEN BEHEADED BY BARAK HUSSEIN OBAMA

SEN. HUSSEIN OBAMA CITES 'SHARIA LAW'S FAIR PENALTY FOR INSINUATING UNKIND THINGS ABOUT ESTEEMED COLLEAGUES'

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