IRANIAN PRESIDENT: 'I DID NOT HAVE TERRORISTIC RELATIONS WITH THOSE PEOPLE, THE HOSTAGES'

REPORT: WIVES OF PRESIDENT 'CAN HARDLY BREATHE', ARE SHOPPING BOOK DEALS

BUSH SETS DATE CERTAIN FOR QUAGMIRE EXIT

ELECTION DAY 2008 TARGETED FOR COUNTRY TO 'PULL OUT OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY ALTOGETHER'

HOLIDAY VACATIONERS FLOCK TO SHARK-INFESTED BEACHES

SWIMMERS TOLD TO 'NOT WORRY', BUT CARRY SHARK-REPELLENT, SELF-AMPUTATION KIT AS PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE; SHARK CAGE SALES UP FROM LAST MONTH

SUPREME COURT EVICTS TEN COMMANDMENTS FROM COURTS

RELIGIOUS-THEMED STONE FRIEZE ON FACADE OF HIGH COURT TO BE REPLACED BY 'MORE PALATABLE DEPICTION OF ARCHIE AND JUGHEAD SODA FOUNTAIN FUN'

NATALEE HOLLOWAY'S PARENTS ARRESTED IN DAUGHTER'S DISAPPEARANCE CASE

ARUBAN OFFICAL: 'THIS IS HOW WE DO IT... THERE'S NO NEED TO UNDERSTAND, JUST KNOW THAT WE HAVE KNOW IDEA OF WHAT THE HECK WE'RE DOING'

PAPA VAN DER SLOOT ARRESTED IN ARUBA

THANKS U.S. SUPREME COURT FOR 'OCCUPYING MOST OF TODAY'S NEWS CYCLE WITH THEIR LAND-THEFT RULING SCAM'

HILLARY GASPING FOR AIR AGAIN

CLAUSTROPHOBIC SEN. CLINTON FINDING IT 'HARD TO BREATHE' WITH HUSAND AND MISTRESS CRAMPING HER SPACE

AUTHOR ED KLEIN FOUND DEAD IN PARK OF COURSE

MULTIPLE GUNSHOT WOUNDS IN BACK WERE 'OBVIOUS SUICIDE' ACCORDING TO CLINTON FAMILY CORONER

'FEAR FACTOR LIVE' OPENS AT ORLANDO THEME PARK

NEW UNIVERSAL STUDIOS ATTRACTION TO OFFER REPULSIVE 'HOWARD DEAN DAMAGE CONTROL' GIG AS TOP TEST

DURBIN LIKENS SENATE DINER TO NORTH KOREAN GULAG

SEN. DICK DURBIN (DICK, IL.) PROPOSES CLOSING DOWN POSH EATERY, CLAIMING 'TORTUROUSLY SLOW SERVICE, THE LIKES OF WHICH WOULD HAVE MADE POL POT CRINGE'

SLOW SERVICE AT GITMO LUNCH CAFE ANGERS NY TIMES

PAPER CALLS FOR 'THE IMMEDIATE CLOSURE OF THAT GULAG AND ALL OF ITS AMENITIES'

NEVERLAND RANCH SLOWLY RETURNING TO ABNORMAL

MICHAEL JACKSON FANS DISPERSE, RETURN TO UNEMPLOYMENT LINES

CHILD MOLESTER MICHAEL JACKSON NOT GUILTY ON ALL COUNTS

KMART DECLINES PROSECUTION'S EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION

JACKSON NOT GUILTY ON ALL COUNTS

JURY BOOKED ON CHARGES OF CONSPIRACY TO ENABLE CHILD ENDANGERMENT

GITMO MOVING TO PALM BEACH

OFFICIAL: MOVE 'MAKES SENSE' WITH AVAILABILITY OF WHIPS, CHAINS, HOODS, AND TORTURE TOYS AT KENNEDY COMPOUND

MIKE TYSON: 'I'LL NEVER FIGHT AGAIN'

TYSON-LEWIS SHOWDOWN SCHEDULED FOR SEPTEMBER; EMANUEL LEWIS IS 3-1 FAVORITE

ARUBAN OFFICIALS RETRACT ALL FUTURE STATEMENTS

SPOKESPERSON: 'EVERYTHING WE SAY ABOUT THE INVESTIGATION INTO NATALEE'S DISAPPEARANCE IS, AND WILL BE, WRONG'

MICHAEL JACKSON: 'I WANT TO SETTLE'

FORMER POP STAR, CURRENT CHILD MOLESTOR SAYS HE WILL COMMISSION INTERIOR DESIGN FIRM TO CREATE 'A SPRAWLING PRISON CELL' AT NEVERLAND

DESPITE MONEY WOES, MICHAEL JACKSON CONDUCTS 'BUSINESS AS USUAL'

CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER OF JACKSON ENTOURAGE GETS OWN UMBRELLA GUY

DEAN COMMENTS BUMP TERROR THREAT LEVEL TO ORANGE

DNC CHAIRMADMAN URGES HOMELAND SECURITY TO IDENTIFY WHITE CHRISTIANS AS 'THE BIGGEST THREAT TO THE COUNTRY'

KERRY RELEASES YALE GRADES

SENATOR WAS MEDIOCRE STUDENT, POMPOUS BLOWBAG

WEALTH GAP DIVIDES WEALTHY, BUMS

CHASM BETWEEN RICH AND POOR WIDENED $13.84 IN MAY

MASSIVE INSURGENTS' BUNKER DISCOVERED IN IRAQ

NY TIMES: RUSSEL CROWE SOHO HOTEL PHONE ASSAULT GRIPS CITY

CNN ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL 'EXCEEDED EXPECTATIONS'

VIEWERSHIP INCHED ABOVE 'THE EXPECTED DOZEN OR SO'

WHACKO JACKO TRIAL TEETERS ON BRINK OF ACQUITTAL

WHITE-COLORED AFRICAN AMERICANS PREPARE FOR 'O.J.-LIKE' CELEBRATION

W. MARK FELT: 'I AM NOT A CROOK'

'DEEP THROAT' TELLS DOUBLE-CROSSED CHUCK COLSEN: 'IT WASN'T PERSONAL, JUST POLITICS'