Wednesday
OVERPRICED COFFEE VENDOR TO CLOSE STORES 'IN MALLS WITH MORE THAN FIVE STARBUCKS'
OBAMA TO RESTORE 'THE ENTIRETY OF CIVIL LIBERTIES REMOVED BY BUSH'
CIVIL PASSENGERS WELCOME LIBERTY TO ONCE AGAIN CARRY NAIL CLIPPERS ON PLANES
Tuesday
BLAGO CONTINUES MEDIA BLITZ
DISGRACED GOV WILL NEXT APPEAR ON JERRY SPRINGER, THEN AMERICA'S MOST WANTED
Sunday
RELEASED GITMO DETAINEE BECOMES AL QUEDA COMMANDER
ABU SUFYAN AL-AZDI AL-SHAHRI CITES EVENTUAL ASPIRATIONS TO U.S. PRESIDENCY
Wednesday
OBAMA ORCHESTRATES PEACE PACT BETWEEN ISRAEL, ARABS
SAYS HE EXPECTS IT TO LAST 'THREE AND A HALF YEARS OR SO'
Tuesday
OBAMA INAUGURATED
HILLARY CLINTON MENTIONS ABSENCE OF 'CLOUDS PARTING' AND 'HEAVENS OPENING', SAYS
'I'M JUST SAYING'
'I'M JUST SAYING'
Friday
OBAMA PLANS 'DOWN TO EARTH' INAUGURATION
NIXES PLAN TO ENTER INAUGURAL STAGE BY 'DESCENDING FROM HEAVEN WITH A SHOUT'
Thursday
Monday
OBAMA: SOME CAMPAIGN PROMISES MAY HAVE TO WAIT
CITES NEED TO DELAY 'HOPE', 'CHANGE', AND 'YES WE CAN'
Thursday
OBAMA SETS LOW BAR FOR ECONOMIC RECOVERY
SAYS ECONOMY MAY 'GET SO BAD, THE END OF THE WORLD MAY OCCUR WITHOUT NOTICE'
Tuesday
OBAMA TAPS LEON PANETTA TO HEAD CIA
WILL ALSO REPLACE DEFENSE SECRETARY WITH EITHER RONALD McDONALD OR BIG BIRD
Sunday
CNN STRETCHES FOR FAIRNESS IN REPORTING GAZA CRISIS
NETWORK WILL 'AVOID OVER-EXPOSURE OF CIVILIAN VICTIMS', CANCELS FIVE MINUTE 3 A.M. SPECIAL SHOWCASING INJURED ISRAELI CHILDREN
Saturday
ISRAEL LAUNCHES DEFENSIVE ATTACK ON HAMAS
FRANCE CONDEMNS, QUESTIONS CONCEPT OF 'DEFENDING ONE'S HOMELAND'