Friday
SAYS SILENT BIRTH OF TOM CRUISE'S ALIEN BABY IN THE COMPANY OF XENU WARLOCKS 'SHOULD BE INTERESTING, LIKE A HORROR MOVIE'
Thursday
IRAN RECEIVES REBUKE FROM U.N. ON NUKE AMBITIONS
U.N. SPOKEPERSON: 'THIS PROCESS IS TEDIOUSLY LONG AND USELESS - IT'S BEST TO GET STARTED EARLY'
CHARLIE SHEEN'S 9-11 THEORIES GAIN TRACTION
CONGRESS MULLS PANEL TO INVESTIGATE HALLIBURTON'S ATTACK ON JEW-FREE TWIN TOWERS
Wednesday
ALEC BALDWIN GROWS BEARD, GAINS WEIGHT, RUNS OFF INTO WOODS
DR: SYMPTOMS REMINISCENT OF POST-ELECTION-LOSS AL GORE ARE 'CONSISTENT WITH LIBERAL CRYBABY VIRUS'
Tuesday
SEAN HANNITY'S MOTHER ADOPTS ALEC BALDWIN
SAYS BARBARA BUSH 'GAVE ME THE INSPIRATION TO MAKE OUR ENEMIES MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY'
Thursday
CHARLIE SHEEN PULLS CURTAIN BACK ON 9-11 CONSPIRACY
SHEEN: BUSH PLANNED 9-11, AND JEWS CARRIED OUT ATTACKS TO FABRICATE A REASON TO MAKE WAR AGAINST THE DIXIE CHICKS
Tuesday
TOM CRUISE CLIMBS DOWN FROM OPRAH COUCH, GOES NUTS
A-LIST CULT MEMBER PUSHES MARTIAL LAW FOR 'STATES THAT ALLOW SCIENTOLOGY SATIRE'
Monday
BUSH SEES PROGRESS ON WAR FRONT
SAYS 'THE WAR AGAINST THE IRAQ INSURGENCY, THE DEMOCRATS, THE MEDIA, AND HOLLYWOOD WILL BE WON A BATTLE AT A TIME'
BUSH SEES HOPE ON WAR FRONT
SAYS 'THE WAR AGAINST THE IRAQ INSURGENCY, THE DEMOCRATS, THE MEDIA, AND HOLLYWOOD WILL BE WON A BATTLE AT A TIME'
Wednesday
U.S. DISEASE AGENCY URGES CALM OVER APPROACHING BIRD FLU
CDC SAYS POSSIBILITY OF 200 MILLION DEATHS IN U.S. IS 'ONLY PROBABLE, NOT DEFINITE'
Tuesday
BUSH URGES AMERICANS TO STORE CANNED TUNA, POWDERED MILK, MACHINE GUNS UNDER BEDS
SAYS 'REAL THREAT' OF HILLARY PRESIDENTIAL WIN LOOMS ON HORIZON
Sunday
ISRAEL EXTENDS OLIVE BRANCH TO IRAN
OFFERS MIDDLE EASTERN NUKE HOPEFUL 'PEACE GIFT' OF AIR RAID EARLY WARNING SYSTEM
Wednesday
IRAN PLUGS FORWARD WITH 'NUCLEAR ARMS AS ENERGY' PROGRAM
U.N. PROMISES 'HARM AND PAIN' IF U.S. PUSHES FOR SECURITY COUNCIL ACTION