FORMER STAR KATIE HOLMES TO 'GRIN AND BEAR' SCIENTOLOGY BIRTH

SAYS SILENT BIRTH OF TOM CRUISE'S ALIEN BABY IN THE COMPANY OF XENU WARLOCKS 'SHOULD BE INTERESTING, LIKE A HORROR MOVIE'

IRAN RECEIVES REBUKE FROM U.N. ON NUKE AMBITIONS

U.N. SPOKEPERSON: 'THIS PROCESS IS TEDIOUSLY LONG AND USELESS - IT'S BEST TO GET STARTED EARLY'

CHARLIE SHEEN'S 9-11 THEORIES GAIN TRACTION

CONGRESS MULLS PANEL TO INVESTIGATE HALLIBURTON'S ATTACK ON JEW-FREE TWIN TOWERS

ALEC BALDWIN GROWS BEARD, GAINS WEIGHT, RUNS OFF INTO WOODS

DR: SYMPTOMS REMINISCENT OF POST-ELECTION-LOSS AL GORE ARE 'CONSISTENT WITH LIBERAL CRYBABY VIRUS'

SEAN HANNITY'S MOTHER ADOPTS ALEC BALDWIN

SAYS BARBARA BUSH 'GAVE ME THE INSPIRATION TO MAKE OUR ENEMIES MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY'

CHARLIE SHEEN PULLS CURTAIN BACK ON 9-11 CONSPIRACY

SHEEN: BUSH PLANNED 9-11, AND JEWS CARRIED OUT ATTACKS TO FABRICATE A REASON TO MAKE WAR AGAINST THE DIXIE CHICKS

TOM CRUISE CLIMBS DOWN FROM OPRAH COUCH, GOES NUTS

A-LIST CULT MEMBER PUSHES MARTIAL LAW FOR 'STATES THAT ALLOW SCIENTOLOGY SATIRE'

BUSH SEES PROGRESS ON WAR FRONT

SAYS 'THE WAR AGAINST THE IRAQ INSURGENCY, THE DEMOCRATS, THE MEDIA, AND HOLLYWOOD WILL BE WON A BATTLE AT A TIME'

BUSH SEES HOPE ON WAR FRONT

SAYS 'THE WAR AGAINST THE IRAQ INSURGENCY, THE DEMOCRATS, THE MEDIA, AND HOLLYWOOD WILL BE WON A BATTLE AT A TIME'

U.S. DISEASE AGENCY URGES CALM OVER APPROACHING BIRD FLU

CDC SAYS POSSIBILITY OF 200 MILLION DEATHS IN U.S. IS 'ONLY PROBABLE, NOT DEFINITE'

BUSH URGES AMERICANS TO STORE CANNED TUNA, POWDERED MILK, MACHINE GUNS UNDER BEDS

SAYS 'REAL THREAT' OF HILLARY PRESIDENTIAL WIN LOOMS ON HORIZON

ISRAEL EXTENDS OLIVE BRANCH TO IRAN

OFFERS MIDDLE EASTERN NUKE HOPEFUL 'PEACE GIFT' OF AIR RAID EARLY WARNING SYSTEM

IRAN PLUGS FORWARD WITH 'NUCLEAR ARMS AS ENERGY' PROGRAM

U.N. PROMISES 'HARM AND PAIN' IF U.S. PUSHES FOR SECURITY COUNCIL ACTION

HOLLYWOOD PLEADS GUILTY TO OUTOFTOUCHISM

HOLDS AWARD SHOW TO PRAISE GAY COWBOYS, AUTHORS, AND CLOONEYS