'UNDERDOG' GOP PREPS FOR GENERAL ELECTION FIGHT

REPUBLICANS WEIGH STRATEGIES OF ATTACK AGAINST CANDIDATES OBAMA, McCAIN

MASSIVE POWER OUTAGES HIT FLORIDA

FLORIDA POWER CO: BLACKOUT CAUSED BY OVERWHELMING INTERNET DEMAND FOR PICS OF OBAMA IN AL QUEDA GARB

HILLARY CHASTISES STAFF FOR RELEASE OF OBAMA PHOTO

SEN. CLINTON: 'I WAS PERSONALLY OUTRAGED WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT MY STAFF HAD LEAKED THAT UNDOCTORED PHOTO OF BARACK IN AN ISLAMIC TERRORIST-TYPE HEADDRESS'

HILLARY RUNNING OUT OF STRATEGIES

CLINTON CAMPAIGN INSIDER: ONLY REMAINING OPTIONS ARE PULLING SEN. OBAMA'S HAIR, PLACING FLAMING DOG DROPPINGS AT FRONT DOOR

McCAIN LOOKS TO BALANCE AGE, IDEOLOGY WITH VEEP PICK

MAY CHOSE 12 YR OLD PRESIDENT OF DALLAS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL'S YOUNG REBULICAN CLUB AS RUNNING MATE

CLINTON CAMPAIGN 'PLEASANTLY SURPRISED' BY GOOD NEWS

HILLARY GREETS 'GOOD NEWS' THAT LATEST OBAMA RALLY DRAWS THOUSANDS, BUT FAILS TO BREAK ANOTHER RECORD

SUPPORTERS OF OBAMA'S ORATORICAL SKILLS FILL ARENA

SAY THEY 'LOVE THE PASSION WITH WHICH BARACK RECITES THE WORDS OF HIS SPEECH WRITER'

CLINTON: 'OBAMA'S RHETORIC ISN'T HIS OWN, IT'S MINE, PLAGERIZED'

SEN. OBAMA ANSWERS CHARGE, SAYS 'HILLARY'S RHETORIC ISN'T HER OWN, IT'S MINE, PLAGERIZED'

FIDEL CASTRO RESIGNS POWER

DECEASED CUBAN DICTATOR CEDES POWER, CITES DESIRE TO 'SPEND MORE TIME IN MY GRAVE'

McCAIN ANSWERS TOWN HALL ATTENDEE'S CONCERN ABOUT HIS TEMPER

SEN. McCAIN: '%#@!& YOUR %$#@& YOU &$@#(^% AND #$$^%^ TEMPER, YOU #@$^@!#%'

SEN. OBAMA SPEAKS OUT ON ILLINOIS CAMPUS MASSACRE

FRONT-RUNNING DEMOCRAT PLEDGES TO DO 'WHATEVER IT TAKES TO ELIMINATE GUNS, AND I GUESS GUN VIOLENCE'

PENTAGON PREPARES TO SHOOT DOWN CLINTON CAMPAIGN

SPOKESMAN: 'WITH THAT THING FLOATING UNCONTROLLABLY OUT IN SPACE, THE POSSIBILITY OF IT CRASHING TO EARTH POSES A SIGNIFICANT RISK TO OUR PLANET'

OBAMA LASHES OUT AT 'BELOW-THE-BELT TACTICS'

SEN. CLINTON SAYS REFERENCE TO SEN. OBAMA AS 'JESSE HUSSEIN JACKSON' WAS HONEST MISTAKE

CLINTON FACES LOSS OF ENTIRE LIFE'S HOPES AND DREAMS IN POTOMAC PRIMARIES

ONLY AVAILABLE REMAINING STRATEGIES INCLUDE WEATHER MANIPULATION OR INVENTION OF TIME MACHINE

U.N. EXPRESSES 'CONCERN' OVER U.S. PRESIDENTIAL RACE

U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL WARNS: HILLARY CLINTON MAY BE 'WEEKS AWAY' FROM ACQUIRING, USING WMD

CLINTON CAMPAIGN UNRAVELLING

CLINTON CAMPAIGN MANAGER TO SEN. OBAMA: 'PLEASE HIRE ME, I'LL WORK FOR FREE FOR YOU TOO'

HILLARY PULLS OUT OF MSNBC DEBATE

SEN. CLINTON 'OUTRAGED' BY RUMOR THAT NBC JANITOR'S BABYSITTER LISTENS TO LIMBAUGH, HANNITY

JOHN McCAIN CAMPAIGN JOINS TREND, CLAIMS SHORT ON CASH

SEN. McCAIN FRAGRANTS SELF WITH COLONGNE ADS FROM MAGAZINES; CAMPAIGN STAFF ACCEPTING PAY 'IN McCAIN AUTOGRAPHS AND FAMILY HEIRLOOMS'

CLINTON CAMPAIGN DOWN TO $14.68

SEN. HILLARY CLINTON BLAMES LACK OF FINANCIAL SECURITY ON 'MY BEING SUPPRESSED BY THE BLACK MAN'

CAMPAIGN IRREGULARITIES ABOUND ON SUPER TUESDAY

REPUBLICANS CRY FOUL AS DEMOCRAT SEN. JOHN McCAIN SWEEPS GOP PRIMARY STATES

JOHN McCAIN PROJECTED WINNER

WITH ONLY 0% OF POLLS REPORTING, PREVENTTRUTHDECAY.COM PROJECTS GOP PRIMARY LANDSLIDE FOR DEMOCRAT SEN. JOHN McCAIN

McCAIN OFFERS CONCESSION FORMS TO ROMNEY, HUCKABEE

DEMOCRAT AND REPUBLICAN PROTESTERS PREP FOR McCAIN INAUGURATION

McCAIN PROMISES BALANCED TICKET

OFFERS VEEP SPOT TO NEMISIS RUSH LIMBAUGH TO 'BRING TICKET BACKTO THE CENTER'

SUPER TUESDAY LOOMS

McCAIN CONTINUES TO CAMPAIGN DESPITE HAVING 'LOCKED UP' NOMINATION AND GENERAL ELECTION

OBAMA GIVES SEN. CLINTON CHANCE TO CONCEDE

OFFERS HER 'YOUR CHOICE OF EITHER KITCHEN STAFFER OR MAID POSITION IN MY WHITE HOUSE'