KWEISI MFUME LEAVES NAACP FOR MORE TIME WITH ILLEGITIMATE FAMILY

MFUME: 'I'LL FINALLY GET A CHANCE TO MEET SOME OF MY SIX WIVES AND SPEND SOME TIME WITH A FEW OF MY MANY ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN'

BUSH MEETS, GREETS CANADIAN 'MILITARY'

SAYS CANADIAN MILITARY WERE 'A VERY NICE GROUP OF FELLOWS... THE WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM'

KOFI ANNAN'S SON GIVEN 'TIME OUT' IN OIL-FOR-FOOD SCANDAL DEAL

FURIOUS KOFI ANNAN SAYS HE'S 'SORT OF DISAPPOINTED' IN SON; KOJO ANNAN SENTENCED TO SIT ON COUCH FOR 'UNDETERMINED NUMBER OF MINUTES' FOR INVOLVEMENT IN U.N. SCANDAL

SUPREME COURT TO RULE ON MARIJUANA FOR RECREATIONAL PURPOSES

LEGAL USE OF POT SOUGHT TO TREAT PROBLEMS YOUNG PEOPLE EXPERIENCE WITH 'A PRODUCTIVE AND SUCCESSFUL FUTURE'

UKRAINIANS URGED TO 'GET OVER IT'

WORLD TIRED OF UKRANIAN ELECTION NEWS, OPPOSITION CANDIDATE ENCOURAGED TO 'CONCEDE FOR THE GOOD OF DRUDGE REPORT JUNKIES'

DAN RATHER DENIES BIAS AGAINST 'RIGHT WING KOOKS'

BELEAGUERED ANCHOR CLAIMS BIAS CHARGES AGAINST CBS WERE 'ALL PHONY, JUST LIKE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'

MARYLAND COURT ORDERS CHILDREN TO THANK SANTA, NOT PARENTS

COURT EXEMPTS CHILDREN TOO YOUNG OR TOO DUMB TO FIGURE OUT SANTA MYTH, AND THOSE THAT BELIEVE HE IS SATAN

COLUMBIAN REBELS ESCAPE BUSH ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT

REBELS RETURN SAFELY TO UNDERGROUND LAIR AFTER SUCCESSFULLY FAILING TO 'AWAKE THE SLEEPING GIANT'

BUSH: 'THE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT THE UKRAINE'

AMERICANS REPORTEDLY NOT SURE WHAT UKRAINE IS, WHERE IT LIVES, AND IS JUST 'GLAD IT'S NOT US'

ANNUAL 'MOST DEADLY TOYS' LIST RELEASED

SHOPPERS WARNED TO STAY AWAY FROM MATTEL'S 'CANDY PORCUPINE', HASBRO'S 'HOME DECAPITATION KIT', AND BABY EINSTEIN'S 'BABY MOONSHINE', AMONG OTHERS

ANGRY CROWDS RANSACK MALLS TO PREPARE FOR CELEBRATION OF CHRIST BIRTH

CONGESTION, PLEASANTRIES EXCHANGED IN SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOTS RESEMBLE AN NBA-TYPE HOCKEY GAME

AMERICANS PAUSE TO THANK GOD FOR ELECTION OUTCOME

PRESIDENT BUSH MAKES SECOND CALL TO KERRY, TELLS HIM 'THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING YOU CAN THINK OF THAT YOU'RE THANKFUL FOR'

OFFICIALS BRACE FOR HOLIDAY SPORTING EVENT DEATHS

GOV WARNS THAT SEASONAL TRAVEL, SPECTATOR SPORTS MAY RESULT IN RECORD FATALITIES

NEW TSA SEARCH TECHNIQUES NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH

MANDATORY CAVITY SEARCHES 'UNCOMFORTABLE' TO SOME; TSA CLAIMS WEAPONS MOST LIKELY TO BE FOUND HIDDEN 'WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE'

FAN WHO THREW DRINK TRADED TO CHARLOTTE HORNETS

HORNETS ADD DRINK THROWER GUY TO ROSTER, CITE 'INCREDIBLE SHOT ACCURACY THAT OUR PLAYERS LACK'

VIEWERS APPLAUD RATHER'S 'BEST MOMENT EVER'

CBS ANCHOR'S RESIGNATION SPEECH IS BLOCKBUSTER HIT WITH NETWORK TV AUDIENCE

DAN RATHER STATUE TOPPLED BY AUDIENCE VIEWING CHOICES

CONSUMERS OF NETWORK NEWS CLAIM 'THE WORLD IS FAR SAFER WITHOUT DAN RATHER IN POWER'

FRANCE SURRENDERS TO AMERICA'S NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION

SURRENDER NOTICE SIGNED BY FRENCH AMBASSADOR DELIVERED TO NBA COMMISSIONER STERN, CITING DESIRE TO 'AVOID CONFRONTATION WITH THIS OBVIOUS AND IMMINENT THREAT TO OUR THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY'

SEN. JOHN KERRY ON BALLOT IN IRAQI ELECTIONS

SEN. KERRY: 'IT'S THE WRONG ELECTION AT THE WRONG TIME, BUT I HAVE TO WIN ONE SOMEWHERE, SOMETIME'

ARAFAT RELATIVE BLAMES DEATH ON JEWS OF COURSE

NEPHEW SAYS 'YASSER WAS YOUNG, ENERGETIC, CLEAN-SHAVEN, AND ATHLETIC JUST DAYS BEFORE HIS UNTIMELY DEATH AT THE HANDS OF THE JEWS... WHO, BY THE WAY, WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR 9-11'

SECRET SERVICE HEAD: 'WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE PRESIDENT BUSH PROTECTING US'

BUSH RESCUES SECRET SERVICE AGENT FROM CHILEAN CROWD; PRESIDENT SAYS HE'D 'TAKE A BULLET FOR THOSE GUYS'

PENTAGON TO REALLOCATE TROOPS FROM IRAQ TO NBA

MARINES TO MONITOR 'PROFESSIONAL' BASKETBALL MATCHES; SOME TROOPS CONCERNED FOR SAFETY, EXPRESS DESIRE TO RETURN TO IRAQ

INDIANA PACERS DEPLOYED TO IRAQ

RON ARTEST AND FELLOW NBA BRAWLERS IMPRESS U.S. MARINES RECRUITERS IN STANDS DURING THE BATTLE AT THE PALACE; 'THEY PERFORMED WITH THE SKILLS AND BLOODTHIRSTY DESIRE TO KILL THAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR', SAYS RECRUITER

FDA: SIDE AFFECTS OF ASPIRIN INCLUDE DEATH AND DESTRUCTION

SPOKESMAN: 'THE PUBLIC SHOULD BE FOREWARNED, AFTER THE FACT - ASPIRIN HAS ALWAYS BEEN DEADLY. DON'T TAKE IT'

JIMMY CARTER DISAPPOINTED TO FIND OUT THAT LIBRARY WAS NOT HIS

AGING FRIEND OF FIDEL CASTRO WAS 'SADDENED' TO LEARN THAT SHINY NEW BUILDING WAS NOT HIS, AND SEARCH FOR A LEGACY MUST GO ON

CLINTON DEDICATES SPEECH TO TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR AT OPENING OF SOME LIBRARY

BIGGEST ATTRACTION BESIDES RAIN AT CLINTON LIBRARY IS 'ECONOMIC PROSPERITY WING', ADJACENT TO 'AL GORE CLOSET'

CLINTON LIBARY OPENS IN TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR TODAY

LITTLE ROCK HOSTS CESSPOOL OF LIBERALISM FOR EVENT; BIGGEST ATTRACTION IS LIBRARY'S 'ECONOMIC PROSPERITY WING', ADJACENT TO 'AL GORE CLOSET'

HILLARY SCANS CROWD AT CLINTON LIBRARY OPENING FOR POSSIBLE CABINET PICKS

WORSHIPERS CROWD AROUND CLINTON ALTAR, PROVIDING FERTILE HUNTING GROUNDS FOR 'POSSIBLE' 2008 CAMPAIGN

KERRY REACHES ACROSS AISLE AND ATTACKS GOP

FORMERLY RELEVANT SENATOR SAYS REPUBLICANS HAVE 'FAILED MISERABLY AT MENDING THE FENCES I PURPOSELY BROKE DURING MY LOSING CAMPAIGN'

REHNQUIST TO SWEAR BUSH IN FROM HOSPITAL

ILL CHIEF JUSTICE WILL PRESIDE OVER FIRST-EVER HOSPITAL ROOM INAUGURAL CEREMONY; SECRET SERVICE WILL LIMIT CROWD OF ANTI-BUSH PROTESTERS TO 'FREE SPEECH ZONE' IN CAFETERIA

AL-JAZEERA 'OUTRAGED' AT VIDEO OF THEIR COVERAGE

AL JAZEERA SPOKESMAN: 'THIS VIDEO IS PROPAGANDA, LIES, AND EVIL BILE STRAIGHT FROM THE DEVIL HIMSELF... OH, WAIT - THAT'S OUR LOGO... I TAKE THAT BACK'

ASHCROFT, POWELL, AND BUSH STEP DOWN

BUSH AND ADMINISTRATION PRINCIPALS LEAVE FOR 'MORE LUCRATIVE' PRIVATE SECTOR OPTIONS: FLIPPING FIXER-UPPERS, WRITING ANTI-BUSH BOOKS, AND eBAY

IRAN AGREES TO PAUSE IN SCRAMBLE TO SECRETLY ACQUIRE NUCLEAR WEAPONS

WMD MINISTER INSISTS URANIUM ENRICHMENT PROGRAM WAS INNOCENT ATTEMPT TO BUILD FUEL FOR NUCLEAR WARHEADS TO ANNIHILATE ISRAEL

CONDOLEEZA RICE POISED TO BECOME FIRST TRULY FEMALE SECRETARY OF STATE

FORMER CLINTON SECRETARY OF STATE MR. HELEN THOMAS SAYS HE IS 'RELIEVED THAT THE NEW FEMALE FACE OF DIPLOMACY WILL NOT DRAW INTERNATIONAL LOOKS OF HORROR AND DISGUST AS I DID'

MAN SCREAMING 'ALLAH!' SETS SELF ABLAZE AT WHITE HOUSE

SECRET SERVICE 'GRAVELY CONCERNED' ABOUT SCUFF MARKS LEFT ON SIDEWALK; SPOKESMAN SAYS NEXT HEAVY RAIN SHOULD CLEAN PAVEMENT

FOX & FRIENDS PANEL SENTENCES SCOTT PETERSON TO DEATH

PEPPY MORNING SHOW DERAILS PETERSON HOPES OF BACHELOR LIFE IN PRISON; HANDS HIM FUTURE BRIGHTENED BY LAST MEAL, CIGARETTE

HILLARY LAUNCHES 'MORAL VALUES VICTORY 2008' EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE

COMMITTEE WILL EXPLORE STRATEGIES TO KEEP HER HUSBAND'S MORAL VALUES FROM 'LEAKING INTO THE DISCOURSE'

500 PALESTINIANS 'SHOT' BY FALLING BULLETS DURING ARAFAT MOURNING FRENZY

CROWD OF INJURED MOURNERS BEING RUSHED TO PARIS HOSPITAL FOR TREATMENT NOT AVAILABLE IN ARAFAT'S LEGACY

ISRAEL LIFTS BAN ON ARAFAT'S TRAVELS

ISRAELI SECURITY MINISTER: 'BECAUSE WE ARE HEARING THAT ARAFAT IS NOW SINCERELY REPENTANT OF HIS PAST, HE IS NO LONGER CONFINED TO HIS RAMALLAH RUBBLE HEAP. ARAFAT CAN ROAM FREELY AMONG THE JEWISH PEOPLE, WHOM WE ARE SURE HE NOW HAS A TREMENDOUS RESPECT FOR'

ARAFAT ALLOWED OUT OF COMPOUND

ISRAELI SECURITY FORCES ALLOWED YASSER ARAFAT TO LEAVE HIS RAMALLAH COMPOUND TODAY; PLO CHAIRFORMERMAN ROAMED THE RAMALLAH STREETS IN A PINE BOX AMONG A CROWD OF AMERICAN-FLAG-BURNING FANS

YASSER TERRORFAT DEAD

'PEACE'-SEEKING PLO CHAIRMAN DEVOTED HIMSELF 'TO A CAUSE' VOID OF SHOWERS OR SHAVING; HE LOVED LIFE, HIJACKINGS, AND MURDER

BRAIN-DEAD ARAFAT STILL MAKING DECISIONS 'LIKE HE ALWAYS DID'

COMA-INDUCED BRAIN DEATH OF PALESTINIAN CHAIRMAN HASN'T AFFECTED JUDGEMENT OR ABILITY TO MAKE DECISIONS FOR THE PALESTINIAN PEOPLE, DOCTORS SAY

ANDY CAPSHAW LANDS PALESTINIAN CHAIRMANSHIP IN REALITY SHOW WIN

24 YEAR OLD FT. WAYNE, INDIANA RESIDENT TO SUCCEED YASSER ARAFAT AS CHAIRMAN OF OCCUPIED TERRITORIES, COMMANDER OF AL AQSA MURDERERS BRIGADE

DOC: ARAFAT HAS ONLY 4 HOURS AND 18 MINUTES TO LIVE

ARAFAT DOCTOR: 'ARAFAT'S CORPSE DIED EARLIER THIS MORNING, BUT WE BELIEVE THERE'S ENOUGH LIFE LEFT IN IT TO LAST FOUR HOURS AND, WELL, 17 MINUTES NOW'

CANDLELIGHT VIGIL OVER ARAFAT CADAVER

PALESTINIAN CHAIRMAN EXPECTED TO 'PASS ANYTIME NOW'

HILLARY CLINTON DENIES PLANS TO HEADLINE "HILLARY IN 2008" TICKET

NY SENATOR PROMISED 2ND SENATE TERM TO NY; WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN HER CAMPAIGN FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN '08

SPECTER TO BUSH: USE MANDATE FOR GOOD LIBERAL IDEAS

SEN. SUGGESTS TAX EXEMPT STATUS FOR CHURCHES BE REVOKED TO ALLOW FEDERAL FUNDING OF PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTIONS

KERRY TAKES BREAK FROM MODEL AIRPLANE CONSTRUCTION TO COMMENT ON FALLUJAH

FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: 'FALLUJAH IS THE WRONG BATTLE AT THE WRONG TIME... PASS ME THAT GLUE OVER THERE'

DEMOCRATS STILL SCRATCHING HEADS: 'BUT WE WERE THE PARTY OF LARRY FLYNT'S FAMILY VALUES'

FAT CRAP PEDDLER CROAKS: 'I WOULD NOT HAVE OFFERED KERRY THE ROBUST SUPPORT OF MY SMUT MAGAZINE AND THE HUSTLER STRIP CLUBS IF HIS PARTY DIDN'T STAND FOR MY FAMILY'S VALUES'

REPORT: DEMOCRATS TROUNCED IN ELECTION 2004 BECAUSE 'CORE MESSAGE LEAKED OUT'

DNC LEANS ON MICAEL MOORE AND AL FRANKEN FOR ELECTION 2008 SOLUTION

KERRY POST-ELECTION LOSS PLANS UNVEILED

SENATOR WILL GROW BEARD, GET FAT, 'TEACH' AT SOME UNIVERSITY; LONG-TERM PLANS INVOLVE SCREECHING TO MOVEON.ORG AUDIENCES, ENDORSING OTHER LOSING DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES

ARAFAT DOCTOR: PALESTINIAN CHAIRMAN'S CORPSE IS 'STILL ALIVE'

ALSO: ANNOYED DOCTOR SAYS JIMMY CARTER BEDSIDE VIGIL IS 'GETTING IN THE WAY OF ALL THE TUBES AND IVs'

KUCINICH TO STOP CAMPAIGNING, ENDORSE KERRY

FROM BEHIND WHEEL AT CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS, KUCINICH APOLOGIZES FOR STUBBORN DELAY, SAYS KERRY IS 'A SURE BET TO WIN LAST TUESDAY'S ELECTION'

DEMOCRATS: LOSS DUE TO KERRY

DEMS: 'KERRY SHOULD HAVE NEVER CHOSEN TO BELONG TO A PARTY THAT WOULD BE STUPID ENOUGH TO NOMINATE HIM'

KUCINICH NETS 3 WRITE-IN VOTES IN HISTORIC ELECTION LOSS

KUCINICH: 'I THANK THE AMERICAN TRIO FOR THIS MANDATE... I WILL SPEND THIS HARD-EARNED CAPITAL ON BUBBLE GUM AND A NEW GAS CAP'

KERRY TRANSITION TEAM HELPS SENATOR EASE INTO NEW MODEL AIRPLANE HOBBY

KERRY CAMPAIGN BEING DISMANTLED; INTERNET JANITORS BUSY CLEANING UP RESIDUE FROM 'KERRY FOR PREZ' WEBSITES

MARK GERAGOS' FATE NOW IN HANDS OF JURY

LAWYER'S FUTURE AS RESPECTED BOTTOM-FEEDING SCUMBAG DEFENDER RESTS IN HANDS OF TWELVE

MYSTERY TO KERRY ELECTION LOSS DISCOVERED

POST-ELECTION BRAINSTORMING SESSION REVEALS KERRY CAMPAIGN WOULD HAVE HAD BETTER CHANCE WITH 'A CANDIDATE OTHER THAN KERRY'

PEPTO BISMAL SHORTAGE REPORTED IN NATION'S NEWSROOMS

CBS ANCHOR DAN RATHER IN CRITICAL CONDITION OVER 'ELECTION STRESS', EN ROUTE TO RAMALLAH FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT

KERRY CONCEDES ELECTION TO HILLARY'S 'VICTORY 2008' CAMPAIGN

KERRY STAFFERS 'NOT SURE WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED', SCRAMBLE TO BEGIN SETTING UP HILLARY'S 2008 CAMPAIGN

CNN TO CONCEDE ELECTION TO BUSH

CNN SAYS RACE TOO CLOSE TO CALL WITH ONLY 101% OF VOTES COUNTED, BUT WILL CONCEDE 'FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION'

MEDIA: 'DISPUTED' ELECTION HAMPERED BY CONTROVERSIAL OHIO

OHIO HANGS IN BALANCE; BUSH HOLDS MEAGER 150,000 VOTE MARGIN OF VICTORY WITH ONLY 100% OF VOTES COUNTED SO FAR

KERRY: 'I WON'T CONCEDE THIS LANDSLIDE ELECTION UNTIL 110% OF THE VOTES ARE COUNTED'

SEN. EDWARDS INSISTS 'WE WILL LITIGATE EVERY VOTE'

W IS FOR WINNER

GEORGE W. BUSH WINS REELECTION; HUNTING TRIP ENDS UP NOT HELPING KERRY; MEDIA BEGINS QUEST TO FIND OUT 'WHAT WENT WRONG'

KERRY FAILS NATIONAL QUIZ, WON'T GET TO TAKE GLOBAL TEST

PRESIDENT BUSH WILL COMMAND THE WAR ON TERROR FOR FOUR MORE YEARS; EXEMPTS SELF FROM GLOBAL TESTS

UNDER 'PRESSURE OF THE MOMENT', KERRY TO DROP OUT OF RACE

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE KERRY APOLOGIZES TO SUPPORTERS: 'I CAN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE OF NOT KNOWING WHETHER MY 10,000 LAWYERS WILL WIN THIS ELECTION... THAT'S JUST ME, I'M A FRAUD'

BREAKING: AMERICA BEING ATTACKED BY KERRY ELECTORAL WINS

PACK-OF-SMOKES-FOR-VOTES STRATEGY NETS EARLY ELECTORAL EDGE FOR KERRY; 10,000 LAWYERS SET TO RETURN TO AMBULANCE-CHASING

MEDIA READY TO BEGIN MAKING ERROR-FILLED CALLS

POLLS CLOSE, MEDIA SCRAMBLING TO "GUESS" RESULTS, CALL STATES FOR WRONG CANDIDATE

BREAKING: AMERICA UNDER ATTACK

SUPPORTERS OF SEN. JOHN KERRY DESCEND ON POLLS, PULL LEVERS AND TOUCH SCREENS; NATION'S DEFENSE THREATENED BY 'RIGHT TO VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS'

UNDECIDEDS FREAK OUT AS TIME TO DECIDE ELAPSES

UNDECIDEDS CITE 'LESSER OF TWO EVILS' OR 'LURE OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY'S CANDIDATE' AS REASON FOR CONFUSION BETWEEN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES BUSH AND NADER

BIN LADEN CAPTURED ON VIDEO STUMPING FOR KERRY

KERRY TO GIVE PRE-ELECTION VICTORY SPEECH IN FL TOMORROW; BIN LADEN SENT TO HAWAII FOR SCARE-OUT-THE-VOTE RALLY IN LAST DITCH EFFORT TO SAVE BUSH-LEANING STATE FROM COMING TO ITS SENSES

DEM LAWYERS TO PROTECT KERRY VICTORY IN CASE OF BUSH WIN

KERRY SPOKESBAG: 'WE ARE READY TO ENFORCE KERRY'S MANDATE SHOULD AMERICA CHOSE BUSH BY MISTAKE AGAIN'

ELECTION MAYHEM ONLY ONE DAY AWAY

GOP READIES POLL INTIMIDATORS, DEMS PLAN FOR VICTORY ANNOUNCEMENT IN CASE OF ELECTORAL LOSS